Following an emotionally exhausting bank holiday weekend, I’ve done a fair amount of reflection. There have been so many men who’ve hurt me in my past. I keep looking back and saying, ‘I will never be in another relationship again’. My family say, ‘you don’t have to make this decision now, you can see how life turns out. You don’t have to be so black and white’. Of course, they’re right, life isn’t that black and white.
Today I came to the conclusion that actually my autism is a positive thing in this instance. Being autistic makes me very pragmatic, exceptionally logical, annoyingly efficient. I don’t want to be hurt by a person ever again, therefore I will make sure to never put myself in a position where that can happen. I’m perfectly happy by myself. It isn’t a decision I make bitterly or sadly. I don’t look into my future and see loneliness. I see a future where I am lucky enough to make all of my decisions. I see a future where I will rarely be in a position where a person is so close to me that they can hurt me. Cruelty is left in the past with betrayal.
I am filled with relief that I’ve found a way out of the risk of being hurt. It is a liberating thing, to be only me. To make decisions around myself and only myself. To know I can move wherever I want and live in the house that I would like and spend every moment of my spare time writing. I can eat what I like and travel where I want to. And sleep in a big double bed to myself every night. I can be weird without shame and do everything in the very particular way I want to, without anyone complaining.
I can be me. Someone I have so rarely been able to be.
Like a nun dedicates her life to God, I dedicate my life to my one true love. Writing.
I have learned a lot this weekend. My heart has been broken each day. It has triggered me to no end and brought up so many memories I’d rather leave buried. But it has also brought around new knowledge. I know what I need to do next year in order to avoid feeling the way I have.
I couldn’t have wished to be with anyone else this weekend. My family are my rocks, my everything. My best friends who offer endless support. I look forward to a future filled with laughter with the people who really deserve my heart.